Conscious Parenting Principles- Responsible Choices
January 8th, 2009 wktdOffering choices begins as early as children are able to grasp spoons. At this age, the choices we offer might be among different colors, different sizes, or different shapes. As children learn to walk, ask them if they’d like to help around the house by throwing garbage in the trash or watering plants. Ask them if they need diapers changed, and then ask them to go and get a diaper. It might be a choice between dried apples or dried apricots, which coat they’d like to wear, or walking or riding in the stroller. Instead of, “Kim, please clean three things off the table” it would be “Kim, how many things would you like to clear off the table? I’d like you to do at least three.” Personalize the choices for each child, and offer them the opportunity to modify the choices based on their unique needs. As your child gets older, the level of importance and the level of consequence of the choices increase. Let your child decide where to sit in the restaurant, which book to read, what to make for dinner, which homework to do first, what to do for the weekend, where to go on vacation, or anything else. The list keeps going!
Why do simple decisions matter? They give kids personal experience, building their confidence from the inside, based on their own perspectives. The process of considering options, weighing the pros and cons, evaluating the possible outcomes, determining preferences, making decisions, and learning from the consequences applies whether a child is choosing shoe color or whether to use alcohol or drugs. New neural connection form as the brain sorts through the available information to make decisions. Repeated opportunities strengthen those connections as children learn to evaluate, compare, respond, and decide. These experiences help children make sense out of their world, as they learn to make increasingly better judgments. Experience with responsible choices also helps a child feel emotionally confident in his ability make good decisions. He learns that he can manage outcomes.
Providing the opportunity to make choices is an integral part of building decision-making skills, developing self-esteem, delineating preferences, and learning to take responsibility for self and others. There is a clear connection between kids who take responsibility for their life early on and teens that make healthy choices about peer pressure, alcohol, and drugs. Giving choices now increases the likelihood of a child making good decisions ten years from now simply because they’ve had lots of practice.
There are two important parameters to remember when
offering children responsible choices: structure and accountability.
STRUCTURE
Consciously structure choices so that, no matter which one your child chooses, you are satisfied and supportive of their decision. In some cases, the decision might have very little direct impact on you, such as asking a younger child, “What color shirt would you like to wear today? Blue or Red?” But other times, you might have a stake in the outcome. For example, suppose Karen knows her daughter needs help with her science homework but, tonight, she’s tired and wants to go to bed early. Instead of asking, “Do you want to do your science or math homework first?” instead she’d say, “I’m tired tonight and want to get to bed early, so would you rather do your science now or in fifteen minutes?” Make sure your parental boundaries and needs are protected by all the choices you offer because being satisfied with the child’s final decision sets a precedent for responsibility, follow through, and accountability—for both of you.
Jim asks his son Tate if he would rather clean up the kitchen or go to his room for the rest of the day. Tate chooses to go to his room and stays up there all morning, listening to music while Jim cleans the kitchen. Obviously, this doesn’t meet both their needs, and may leave Jim feeling irritated, frustrated, and thinking, “See what happens when I give him a choice? That’s the last time I try that.” This is a case of offering choices and hoping our kids will choose the one we want. When we give our children choices without first taking into account our own needs, it often creates conflict, confusion, frustration, and disappointment. Instead, restructure the choices so either outcome is acceptable. Jim might have said: “Tate, I need some help around the house today, would you rather clean up the kitchen or mow the lawn?” These choices provide a clear expectation of Jim’s needs (that his son pitches in) while, at the same time, empowering Tate with a choice.
Sherry came home after a tough day at work and asked her sons whether they wanted to cook dinner or clean up afterwards. The boys chose to clean up but, in fact, Sherry was too tired to make dinner and really wanted the boys to do it, so her needs weren’t met by their response. This is a great opportunity for a valuable lesson: To herself, Sherry acknowledged that she structured the choice incorrectly and then, to the boys, explained how tired she was and encouraged them to come up with another solution to meet all of their needs. The boys suggested they ride their bikes down the street and pick up take-out instead, which worked well for everyone. Kids catch on quickly and flexibility is a two way street.
If a child changes his mind frequently after making a choice, agree on a reasonable time limit, after which the last decision is final. A reasonable time limit for a toddler who changes his mind about what color plate he wants might be until the cupboard is closed or the food is actually on the plate. Decisions and responsibility teach our children how their choices affect the world around them and that those choices can’t always be undone. Kids learn that there are always new opportunities to make different choices.
Mara decided to start offering her 8-year-old daughter, Jenny, choices. “Jenny, we need to buy Grandma a gift. Should we get her a blouse or CD today?” Jenny answered, “I want to stay home.”
A new tool requires some discussion and understanding of what’s different, why it’s different, and what the goal is. Sit down and talk about how you intend to do things differently and ask for suggestions and input. Kids love making their own choices rather than being forced or coerced into doing something. Make it clear that they are expected to choose a choice you present or suggest an alternative choice that meets all your needs. It is unacceptable to ignore, complain, or decide nothing.
Mara: “Jenny, I am trying to give you some freedom in deciding what we’re going to buy. I want to make it work for both of us. If you don’t like either of the choices, then you can suggest another one that would work.”
Jenny: “Mom, can we go pick out a bouquet from that flower farm for her.”
If a child comes up with a new choice, use it as an opportunity to respectfully resolve conflict. Explain how you feel, express what you need, and ask the child how you can come to an agreement that satisfies you both. Just as you and a friend or significant other must resolve your differences in ways that address both your concerns, empowering your children offers them the opportunity to take into account their own needs and the needs of others.
ACCOUNTABILITY
Allowing children to take responsibility for their own choices only pays off when we are willing to be accountable for those choices. As parents, we show respect for the choice, supporting their decisions helping them deal successfully with the consequences. Sometimes we need to give children room to learn from their decisions, especially when they wish they’d made a different choice.
Ana told Anjali she had to get her homework done before she went out with her friends. As usual, Jenny was upset and frustrated. The next time, Ana gave her a choice: “Anjali, I know you would like to go out with your friends Wednesday. I’d like to know when you’re going to get your studying done for your test. Can you come up with a solution that meets both our needs or would you rather not go out?” The roles shift as Anjali figures out her own plan, knowing that she is accountable for that plan if she wants to go out. If a child has little or no part in making the decisions, she has very little stake in the outcome except anger and frustration.
There are often real-world consequences to our children’s choices, such as not being prepared for class or getting a bad grade. It’s tempting to protect children from the consequences, but this is the time to let them experience cause and effect, with support and discussion. Sometimes letting a child fail, especially on a test, helps them become accountable for what they want to create. Sheila brought home her math test with a D- grade, which was not surprising since she had decided to skip class every day last week. She showed it to her mom who said, “Well, Sheila, how does it feel to fail a test when you know you have the potential to be successful? Is this something you want to continue doing or are you ready to take responsibility for being successful in what you do? What needs to happen for you to feel better about yourself?”
Jerry told his son, Alberto, he couldn’t go skateboarding until all his homework was done. When he imposes rules on his son, Jerry becomes the source of conflict, rather than letting Alberto experience the true source of conflict—the outcome at school.
Letting children face real-world consequences requires a degree of detachment from outcomes. It’s difficult to let children discover what it feels like to fail a test if we are so attached to “good grades” that we never let it happen. It’s important to distinguish between situations that keep a child from encountering real-world consequences for the sake of parental comfort versus the healthy development of the child. If you’re worried what your friend will say if your son fails his test, you’re more concerned with your own comfort. If you won’t let your daughter run into the street because there’s a car coming, you’re obviously concerned for her healthy development. To be a conscious parent entails making our children’s healthy development the priority and basis of our decisions.
There are situations in which either the real consequences of a choice are simply too dire to allow a child to make his own choice or the consequences are non-existent. (For example, your child is not likely to be struck down by lightning if he doesn’t unload the dishwasher.) In these cases, it’s best to let your child decide what the consequences will be if she doesn’t follow through.
Jerry: “I am willing to let you go out skateboarding before you do your homework, but what is your assurance to us that you’ll do it as soon as you get back at 6 pm? I want to make sure that I don’t have to nag you about it.”
Alberto: “Okay, Dad. I’ll tell you what. If I don’t do my homework, I’ll never go skateboarding again.”
Jerry: “Alberto, that doesn’t give me much confidence because I don’t believe that would ever happen. Try again.”
Alberto: “Okay. If I don’t do it without you asking me, I’ll vacuum out your car tomorrow by noon…and you know how much I don’t like doing that.”
Jerry: “Okay, thanks Alberto. Deal.”
Encourage the negotiation of consequences that are significant enough to provide motivation to follow through on decisions and realistic enough to be feasible. Demonstrate a clear expectation that your child will follow through, and, even more importantly, make sure that you follow through. If Alberto doesn’t keep his word, you can be sure that Jerry will have a clean car by noon tomorrow—no excuses.
When children consistently have trouble following through on what they say, there is a good chance it’s because we are having trouble following through ourselves. When we give choices without follow-through, we dishonor our child by failing to provide an honest representation of how the real world works. Make it a habit to give children responsible choices and expect accountability. Then, watch them open up to their possibilities and true potential.
Structure and accountability in choices are essential to empowering kids to become healthy adults. The world we live in is jam-packed with choices and the only way to learn to make good decisions is to practice. Empowered kids know that in real life, we learn from our mistakes and grow to make a different decision the next time around. They also know that, in real life, some decisions are not always easily undone, and that is also a powerful life lesson. Start empowering your children with choices from an early age. Let them discover through experience what kind of life they want to create for themselves. Help them deal with the resulting consequences so they become stronger and more confident of their decisions. Yesterday it was shoe color, today it’s a grade on a test, tomorrow it will be whether or not to use drugs and alcohol. A young adult who’s had a lifetime of experience making decisions and living with the consequences of their choices is much better equipped to make those important decisions.
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